Carpe Bagum* (The new urgency of print journalism)

Of late Newspapers, and TV have been going berserk.

This has brought out not only the worst in them but also in their English language skills. It is evident to all who read the newspapers. As regards the skills of 8 to 10 pm Newscasters, the less heard the better.

To wit:

I Seize

This snapshot appeared with the headline – Police seize suitcase from Garage. My eyesight must be quite shot because it seemed to me like two guys fighting over a bag at the station. Or maybe the person sitting in the auto was throwing out Mr. Jeans for not paying his part of the fare.

From what the papers lead us to believe, they were snooping around the garage of an accused when they chanced upon the bag and sent it via an auto rickshaw to the Thana. Who did they seize it from? (The garage reportedly was empty). To my mind the only thing that was seized was the writer’s brain.

Medium or rare?

Another writer, wrote this at lunchtime. Pangs of hunger overwhelmed by the deadline of the copy-desk. There’s got to be a better way to call attention of the reader.  Why would the cops probe a charred body that is being grilled?  They have other fish to fry. Someone please help me here. Is this a statement? Is this a syllepsis?

The East is where it’s all happening.

“Father picked up for questioning”.

You can almost imagine cops with a pair of tongs in their hands. Stealthily they creep up behind their quarry and ….. pick him up with their tongs like an insect and deposit him into a bottle for all of us to stare at. Picked up like an infection.

“Police brushed aside the suggestion…”

Here we have a situation. Imagine a press conference; the mikes bunched up like a shoddy bouquet of greasy grey/black flowers. Bottles of water thoughtfully provided for the speaker in case he clears his throat loudly. A factotum scurries up to the table and breathlessly pours a suggestion all over the table. The person addressing the gathering walks up and with a harrumph brushes aside the suggestion with the back of his hand…. (then wipes his hand, surreptitiously,  on the tablecloth). Silence in the room.

“Cops nail lies…”

“Yessir. This morning all our beat constables went around collecting lies. Then for the inspection of your goodself we called the carpenter and had them neatly nailed up in the front balcony for your perusal. Thank you very much Sir.  Now you will see our backside for more.”

“DIG lashes out at…”

Obviously many of the lies were not nailed properly, so the DIG armed himself with a cat o 9 tails and lashed out at the assembled constables; missing them all, catching his legs in the backlash. What’s a lash when it’s not in the eye?

Calcutta used to be the scene of many a quiz till it moved to Star Plus. But they still have a trick or two up their sleeves. Now all quizzes are in Kol (as spoken in Kolkata) so the Mumbai Police had to specially bone up on their Kol to do the necessary.

I learnt Kol in Kollege

And this poor soul left his pump (and bicycle) in Bandra Bombay 50. 

If only I kept it in Ballygunge

The seizures continue unabated:

How’s that for seize

Meanwhile back at the seizure scene….

Vere is he?

Now, the quiz scene shifts (dramatically) to the west.

Your time starts now

There’s a breathless hush in the packed police station. The lights go dim and simultaneously two spotlights converge on a table with two chairs opposite each other. Shadowy figures seem to occupy them. As the spots become brighter there is a collective release of breath….

The quiz master is in Khaki and the contestant in sweat. They face each other unblinkingly:

“The first question…..how many members of your family? Three, Four, Five or Six?”

Silence from the contestant.

“No answer is correct”

The audience is baffled.

Rajesh Pant

Pune

3 September 2015

*My apologies to Diem.